right here and now
I've been having a kind of mediocre mental health time the past few days, mostly because of my inability to go to sleep at a decent hour. I have no trouble staying asleep or even falling asleep, but the act of deciding to go to bed is where I get stuck. No matter how early I have to get up the next day, I'm up until 4 or 5 or 6 in the morning, doing god knows what. I find myself in a weird state at those ungodly hours, checking the time yet unable to bring myself to stop whatever hobby I've immersed myself in.
It would be one thing if I just couldn't sleep, but it's another thing that I can sleep but somehow lack the discipline to. It unsettles me, my helplessness against my impulses. I've never been great about putting myself to bed, but it feels worse these days β or I'm just more aware of how it messes with my health, energy levels, enjoyment of the day, and confidence, and feel ridiculous struggling with a problem that seems so easily solvable.
Today I woke up exhausted as usual, but was excited because I was up early to call my high school best friend B, who now lives on the other side of the world. They'd been in a weird mental space too, as far as I knew from their private Twitter. But when we spoke today, we ended up barely going over our own problems in favor of sharing drawings and talking about movies, both feeling suddenly chipper at seeing each other.
We talked for two hours, broke for lunch/dinner, then regrouped for another hour of talking and 2 episodes of Parks and Recreation.1 I was prepared for the euphoria of talking with a friend to fade as the day went on, but even after our call I found myself more refreshed and less frazzled. I spent the rest of the afternoon not as productive as I'd been the past few days, but lighter in the chest. It was almost jarringly peaceful β so much so that I sent them a message to tell them about it.
It's a little silly, but always really special, too, how something as simple as a good conversation with a friend can turn your disposition around just like that. I'm realizing the people I love really do bring out the best in me, and I come away from being with them feeling more anchored, more ready to tackle my problems (of various sizes). I don't know if my morning call with B is the thing that'll make me able to put myself to bed tonight at a decent hour, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is.
One of my favorite artists, Lucy Knisley, posted a song she wrote2 as a sequel to one she wrote 16 years ago. I happened upon it some time after my call with B and it made me sob in the middle of the afternoon. I went to kiss my dogs, then headed to my parents' room, where my dad was napping and mom was on her phone. I wormed my way between them, clinging to my mom and watching her mark messages as read, all in comfortable silence. I'm thankful for days like this, where my brain is quiet enough for me to feel things in full, to appreciate in the present the memories I'll look back on in the future with love.
Anything to do with retrospection, interacting with past versions of yourself and your loved ones, reflecting and remembering and being grateful, etc. always gets me. Oof ouch the passage of time...!