where do i go from here?
i recently read meadow's post about writing like you talk, and it stuck with me. towards the end, meadow writes:
So, don’t let what you write become just a face you use when meeting other faces. Don't make it yet another mask.
that resonated with me a lot. i feel like it pinpointed why i've been feeling iffy about this blog these days, and why i've set my posts to make_discoverable: false. the person who writes on here has become a mask.
it's a little sad, because the reasons this blog has started to feel like a chore were reasons i was excited about it in the first place: i liked that this was a place where i could reflect more on my life (as opposed to fandomposting or shallower daily things). i liked that i was challenging myself to write clearly and (mostly) using proper grammar, since i wasn't doing that anywhere else online.
both those expectations i had for myself have benefited me. writing about my feelings with readability as a goal has made me better at identifying + verbalizing things. and it's been good to have a space separate from the media i post about everywhere else online, away from everyone i know in real life – it feels grounding and freeing at once.
but they've also started to feel like rules. my approach now is concerned with what fits in with the rest of the blog rather than, like, making sense of myself + documenting my life. i almost automatically disregard anything i feel like writing that goes against the rules, even if it would have been good to work through or fun to write.
it's not like i'm writing about things i don't actually feel or care about, but i DO handpick slightly more normal things (ambition, family, introspection, fitness) and screen the rest. occasionally i throw in some cartoonposting for flavoring's sake, but i try and stagger my obsession-related posts and get a little embarrassed whenever i post them.1 i write about things only if i can describe them, avoiding the mess.
i've accidentally created a Normalgirlsona, who is obsessed with things but to a normal(ish) degree, and concerned about normal twentysomething things, and anxious, but written about in a way that might resonate, or be reassuring/helpful, and ideally at a reasonable length for a reader.
it's not as if i am actually secretly very deranged (debatable), but i'm realizing that the incomprehensible, niche stuff is part of me too, and i feel sad that i feel unable to write about them. and i KNOWWWW i KNOW this is a self-imposed burden and it is literally fine if i change things up. i know this in theory – and yet!!!
on my personal site, someone sent in a question that went like "what's the difference between what you post on your site diary vs. your blog?" – it was a good question, especially because stuff about my personal life goes on there too.
i didn't answer it (sorry anon...) because i was embarrassed that the answer was just "i'm more relaxed on my site than on my blog" lol. it felt like a ridiculous response. why keep a blog then??
answer: i don't know!!!
real answer: i guess there is... value in having a place online where you have some standards for yourself? it can be a fun challenge to work within limits, like inktober prompts (though i have historically done poorly with things like that).
but right now it's not very fun a challenge, and i feel like i'm just keeping this up for consistency's sake. it's tiring to write with a mask on.
i don't know if it's the sort of thing that's solvable by taking a break, or changing things up, or whatever? i'm trying it now with this all lowercase, less stylistically strict sort of post, but i don't feel it's very different from my usual besides being harder to read for people who are particular about the elements of style.
i'd like to conclude with an actual solution or by being like "well i'm sure it will all work out!!!! yeah 😎👍" but both would be disingenuous lol. i don't think i'll ever pivot to "hey here's 10 incomprehensible posts about things only i like," but i also don't know where to go from here. i just wanted to ride out this train of thought re: my blog, however messily, and thought i might as well do it on my blog.
i really do love bear, though. i think it's managed so well and i love the blogs i've discovered + the people i've encountered because i was here. i want to start over, but i want to stay and keep going too. i don't know.