to hibernate until you are a person again
My parents are on vacation and my sister is traveling for work, so I have the house to myself for a good chunk of time. I don't feel much about being alone – I'm not lonely, but I'm not particularly relishing in the solitude. I usually really enjoy spending time by myself, but I know from experience that sometimes my preference for alone time enables my fear of being a person.
I think having such a lax schedule for my teaching program has made me a bit too complacent about how I spend my days. It's not that the program itself is lax, but having a single, 1-hour synchronous class a week and homework you can do at any point during the week (and even after) has been a nightmare for my undisciplined ass. Don't tell me I'm allowed to submit my work late. I'm never going to do it!
I've started to rot as a result of having nothing to structure my days and force me to work, but I can't enjoy the free time either because I know the must-dos are piling up. It's paralyzing, stopping me from making plans or replying to emails or even going on walks because I think, "Oh, I should get the big stuff out of the way before I take on any other obligations," but then I binge-watch cartoons for three days and don't do any of the big stuff because they aren't urgent, and consequently don't do any of the small stuff either. Then I get overwhelmed by how long the to-do list is getting.
At some point, I usually shake it off after getting to a freak-out point where I isolate myself, get my shit together, and then return to being a functional human being. I'm past the isolation point (hence the posting), but I know I'd like to address this – not because the lack of time management is making me spend my time "less productively" (which I'm trying to think of as a morally neutral thing), but because this "less productive" time is not even relaxing or restorative like it should be. I want to be a girl who knows how to relax!
Anyway, I've been quiet on here for the above reasons, which are honestly not very new as far as topics on my blog go, lmao. I'd like to go back to thinking of writing as a fun destressor rather than another task on my list, and the first step is putting an end to the intimidating hiatus I've accidentally gone on.
Some minor life things:
- I'm making some new friends! My brother invited me and my sister to hang with a friend of his from work and her siblings, and we had a fun little sibling date. A little silly in concept, but worked very well when executed.
- Last Monday I had the worst cramps of my life – spotty vision, nausea, dizzy spells. My period has never been very bad, so I have no idea what made that happen, but man. I have way more respect for anyone who experiences those symptoms every month.
- Christmas is coming up and my family's wishlist spreadsheet has yet to be fully updated, so it's looking like everyone's gifts will be coming late this year. I think all of us care more about New Year than Christmas, so this isn't really a problem.
- As mentioned, I binge-watched Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and loved it. I can't believe they canceled this show. While Donnie is my fave in Mutant Mayhem, I love love love Leo in Rise.
- I'm reading the Bell Jar and it amazes me how the mentally ill girlie can look the same as it did in the 50s/60s. The middle part is a slog, but the stuff I've highlighted in the book is worth its own blog post.
- I started using 4thewords to motivate me to write, and it's remarkably good at keeping me on task. Recommend!
- Ah, and New York was a lot of fun! It's been long enough since I got back that I've missed the window of time when I would have felt inclined to write a post about it, but it was nice to see friends and attend Anime NYC.