the improvements i don't plan for (thoughts on drawing)

14 Oct, 2024

I've had a lot of hobbies I pursued once or for a short time and failed to pick back up again. Languages, pole, cycling, dance, writing (fiction), "journaling"¹... I could write a fun post on it, like others have. Some of these I'd like to return to, but some of them I've made peace with letting fall by the wayside.

But drawing has never been one of them. It's not that I make it a point to do it regularly, but I naturally gravitate to my tablet the moment I have free time and end up drawing for at least 2 hours. I don't post my work very often so it looks like I draw much less often than I actually do, but I don't go more than a week without it. And even that's a stretch – a few days of no drawing and I start feeling itchy.

It was odd to realize this, that I'd somehow never stopped drawing despite the fact that it probably would have been easier to in my adult life. It's not like my professional pursuits have given me reason to keep at it: I went to school for literature, and now I teach. You can say there's creativity needed for both those things, but not necessarily drawing!

Also, I don't continue to make art because I, like, got particularly good at it and am trying to get a return on maxing out that stat, lol. I decided very early on that I would not make art my livelihood, and the quality of my work reflects that decision. It's decent – nice enough that I can fill up my commission slots or break even selling stickers – but not good enough to get me a job making cartoons.²

This is not to say I dislike what I make. On the contrary, my drawings are made to gratify myself more than meet anyone else's expectations! And – huh. Actually, that's probably why I keep coming back to it.

For as long as I can remember, I've had the mindset of "bah, this is good enough for the purpose it serves", in which the purpose is "entertaining myself". As long as my art expresses what I want it to, and doesn't look horrid, I'm happy! I always, of course, would like to draw better, and will look up a reference or tutorial in the interest of making the specific thing I'm drawing look how I want it to. But that's all background noise to just... wanting to indulge myself and make something I want to see. I don't draw with the goal of being able to do much more than I already can, and don't actively seek out improvement in areas I have little interest in.³

Anyway, it's surprising when I improve anyway, despite how low that ranks as a priority. After thinking about it a little more, I realize what I've naturally been doing is some variation of the Zone of Proximal Development – do what I can, then do a little more. And (OK, this is not in the ZPD) always do it out of sheer derangement. Put another way:

me as hell ← girl who has flitted from obsession to obsession with nary a break since she was 3 years old

It's much less progress in more time than one would get from intentional study, but the process feels fun, which is far more important to me. My perfectionist ass would have intimidated herself out of the practice if art were something that I felt I was expected to constantly improve at/produce regularly, and I would definitely have quit. So, ironically, thinking of art as a "silly side thing" has brought me more improvement and consistency than if I'd taken it seriously.

But that's just me. And that's just me specifically about art – it's not applicable in every case! My language learning passion was at its peak when I had to be in class for it everyday, for example. It didn't feel like a burden to have others (in that instance, a teacher) expecting progress of me.

Maybe it depends on my own satisfaction with where I'm at? It's hard to feel out a pattern for it. With languages, I see very clearly where my language skills are lacking, and, frustrated by this, I come to share my teacher's desire to see improvement. But with art, I'm happy working within the limits of my skill level.

I realized this about my coding experience before I did about art. In a diary entry from June, I wrote:

anyway, because of my experience learning about SSGs, it's given me the confidence to try and learn other things! i now Kind Of get how to use the terminal. i no longer balk when i see weird shortcut terms. i recently figured out some tools to make a nice little image gallery and password-protect pages. a win for the girl who did not properly learn to code until last year.

plus: it didn't really feel like "I HAVE TO GET BETTER AT THIS THING I'M NOT THAT GOOD AT!!!!!", which is the best part. i wanted a specific thing out of my site, and decided to learn something new to get it. think this hobby has truly been a net positive on my life, if only because it taught me that improvement would come (with self-monitoring and curiosity) anyway, and that i don't have to use negative feelings about my shortcomings as a motivator.

Hmm. It's possible that I'm overstating my satisfaction with my work over the years in the interest of making a very decisive post... like, I definitely had moments where I was frustrated with my inadequacies or burnt out for a period of time. But those are blips in a larger trend of being mostly OK with my art and making it regularly, so.

Anyway, I don't really have a final takeaway from all this besides "yay, I guess" and "it's funny how my brain works". I don't think I'm a very consistent person (see exhibits A, B, C), nor do I think I'm more passionate about art than the average artist, so the fact that I've naturally kept up a lifelong drawing habit is something I still find out of character for myself. But I'm grateful! I hope to keep finding things I want to draw, and to keep drawing.

#art #project hedonist #reflections