they say it's sweet as candy

01 Aug, 2024

I've been single for a (mumble mumble) amount of time and it's the only way I know how to operate at this point. It's been so long since I've even had a crush on anyone that I doubt I'm capable of that feeling anymore.

Of course, I liked a few people in college and went on a few dates, but I'm unsure if I really wanted to pursue them – and then there were more important things to deal with when the pandemic broke out, and I just never thought it was a priority after social gatherings were once again permissible. By then I'd already learned to feel socially and emotionally nourished by the people already in my life.

This is mostly great, because it saves me from feeling dissatisfied with myself for not having a partner. But also, I might have veered too far into independence that I no longer want one? More and more often these days, I think, "I would still have kids even if I never had a life partner." "I think I'll be fine if I never marry."

It's weird for me to have these thoughts – not because they're wrong, but because I considered myself a romantic for most of my childhood/adolescence, so to grow into the kind of person who isn't actively craving romantic love feels weird and unexpected. I thought I'd be out there Trying My Best, or at the very least turn into a huge yearner of a person¹. I can't tell if my indifference in recent years is linked to maturity and a healthy focus on myself ("I'm no longer trying to validate myself through romantic interest, and I'll meet the right person living my life how I like") or just a faulty coping mechanism ("no one will know I'm scared to be undesirable if I don't care to be desirable!"). It's probably a mix of both.

Still, every now and then, I'll see something or hear something that pierces through the contentment, hitting me with the sudden notion of "IT WOULD BE SO FUN AND NICE TO BE IN LOVE!!!". A song that without fail does this is "What is Love?" by TWICE. Every time I hear it, I suddenly become a young schoolgirl again, dying to know about this mystifying feeling I've yet to experience – or in my case now, that I've not experienced in so long it feels undiscovered again.

사탕처럼 달콤하다는데
하늘을 나는 것 같다는데
I wanna know know know know
What is love? 사랑이 어떤 느낌인지

#mei vs. feelings