(Having a good old pre-birthday breakdown, as has been the norm since I was maybe sixteen.)

I am the planner friend in my friend group. For all my talk of "I don't like to socialize," "I don't want to respond to DMs," etc, I love seeing my friends and doing things together. Organizing a hang is both extremely rewarding to me and something I can say I'm naturally well-suited for: To put it self-deprecatingly, I'm picky about things, but to frame it in a positive light, I'm good at making decisions. Knowing that I can be a little anal about things, I make a conscious effort to be flexible, and I do my best to make plans as easy and fun for my friends as possible.

In the past few years, however, it's become less and less rewarding. We're a big group (and international now), so I never expect that everyone can come together, but even arranging a small group of people is difficult. Everyone is low maintenance and allergic to group chats (including myself), and any invites extended go largely unresponded to. We don't hang out online often either. I feel like I'm shouting into the void whenever I reach out, and being rejected so often kind of chips away at the emotional security that one would... expect to have around friends.

I am pretty sure my friends still like being friends (with me and with each other) - just in a milder capacity. And being in our early-mid twenties, I get that we're all still adjusting to our first few years of being part of the workforce. Not everyone's jobs are lax, and some people have responsibilities outside of work. I'm in the cushiest position among everyone in my group, so I don't feel like I can complain.

But am I insane for wanting a little more? Is it unreasonable of me to want the same energy I put into having quality time returned? Is this just the nature of friendships as you get older? Does everything need to be a one-on-one hang for it to happen? I can't help but wonder if I'm missing something – like that they don't actually want to hang out and I just haven't gotten the hint just yet. Horrifying.

I want to be communicative about my displeasure, but it doesn't seem like anyone else has a problem with how we operate, so I just feel like a dick asking for more than they want to give – plus doing so would make them want to see me even less. I know the feeling of having friendship expectations thrust on you when you don't want them, and I don't want to be that for them.

Maybe it's a sign to shift my priorities – put more effort into other friendships or other parts of my life. I don't know. I still can't help but mourn it all.