Something that stops me sometimes from learning new skills or taking up new hobbies is that I know how all-consuming it will be.

I know how easy it would be to learn how to make nice gifs – I grew up on Tumblr, after all. But I refuse to learn, because I think about all the TV/movie moments I would then have to rewatch and capture to turn into gifs for my own satisfaction. (Danny Pudi's microexpressions alone might take up my whole storage.)

Yes, I could learn how to crochet, but then I would want to start trying to make my own patterns and custom stuffed toys for specific things I'm into. Yes, I could learn how to sew, but god, all the fabric and patterns I would let myself buy...!

I want to learn bookbinding. I want to learn woodworking. I want to learn how to paint properly. But it scares me – how many fics will I want to turn into books? How many structures will I want to build and customize? What if I just start painting all over my walls?

I decided to build myself a personal site for fun last year, and what started as "maybe I'll learn a little bit of CSS" turned into a monster of a passion project that I worked on at the expense of my sleep most nights. Again, for fun!

My super customized homepage... I'm very happy with my site, and continue to update it to this day¹, but I really did not go into this intending to do so much.

I'm just not sure I can get into anything casually. It's not necessarily in pursuit of mastery – there's a lot I don't want to do or learn, lol – but more for the enjoyment of making something mine. I'll learn anything for the sole purpose of making something extremely me-catered. Or maybe it's that I start loving something new and immediately want to apply it to everything else I've ever loved?

There's nothing wrong with that, I suppose. But I'm aware that the amount of time and energy I expect to be able to spend on hobbies diminishes the further into adulthood I go and the more responsibilities I take on,² so getting into a new thing is equal parts fun and dread-inducing, especially when I already don't spend as much time on my existing hobbies as I like.

Most of the people I know who live lives I admire seem (unfortunately for me) like balanced people with no obsessive tendencies, or who obsess over the "right things." Partnered up, parenting, earning a living, making time for friends and family – the busyness of their lives leaves little room for the all-consuming hobby. The ones who are like me probably turn their hobbies into marketable skills, or start obsessing over nutrition and other things I, a person in her mid-twenties, still see as kind of boring.

Maybe one day, something will click and I will learn how to be like that too. It might be something that comes with age. Maybe I'll even turn "becoming a functioning, balanced person" (adultmaxxing?) into my new favorite pastime. But I also can't help but wish I knew more people like me, but older: people who still made time to be a little crazy for things they like simply because they are fun, no justification necessary.

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1. I've not shared the link to this site on any art platforms I use, or even with family and most friends. It's that level of indulgent/"for me" – I work on it all the time, but enjoyment is the biggest thing I'm getting out of it. (I'm not linking it here either, but if you snoop and end up finding it, say hi?)↩

2. Also, new hobbies can sometimes be expensive in addition to time- and energy-consuming.↩