i did a jigsaw puzzle because i was so sad

28 Jul, 2023

The puzzle.

Last week, I found a 1000-piece puzzle in the recesses of my closet while I was cleaning up. It's probably at least 15 years old. If I were to speculate why I had this on hand, I would assume that I either:

1. Was gifted it by a well-meaning relative who thought I was more sophisticated or focused than I was.
2. Saw it and asked to buy it, because I thought I was more sophisticated or focused than I was.

Option 1 is more likely only because if it were Option 2, I'm sure kid!me would have gone for something like a Pokemon puzzle. Either way, I did not have the focus or patience to do something like a 1000-piece puzzle as a child. It's freaking hard! It took me two afternoons, and I'm an adult!

Anyway, I called in to work for two days because I just felt like I needed a break to decompress. I had a visa appointment I was trying to pull some documents together for, but ultimately got overwhelmed and canceled it, then felt bad about that. There was a mildly stressful interaction with a loved one that left me with a few more answers as to why I am so anxious as a person. And finally, I just physically couldn't stand to be at work, even remotely – I can't bring myself to do the meaningless tasks I have to do, but I feel bad getting paid for milling about.

So I did this instead. I have to say, it was really therapeutic. It's missing some pieces, as you can see, and I gave up on the border because I got frustrated about the missing pieces, but it had a chokehold on my attention for two days. I'm quite happy with how well it drew me out of my funk.¹

My initial reason for pulling out the puzzle was to give myself and a friend something to do if they came over and hung out. Sometimes it's hard to talk if you're not doing anything else with yourself or your hands – that's why so many friend hangs are done over meals or drinks or activities, like errands. I particularly love the idea of the errand hang, which Misu writes about here, and wanted to emulate that balance of "something to do + not much prep" with the puzzle.

But now I'm wondering if I should buy more puzzles even if just for me, since I liked this so much. I hesitated when I first had this thought, because my next was, "well, where will I put the finished puzzles?" – the one I did is just laying on the floor until I decide to clean it up. I don't particularly want to frame them either. My instinct was that it would be a waste to do if I didn't preserve the final product somehow, to have something to show for what I put into it.

That's not the point though, is it?

I'm starting to realize how important it is for me to have hobbies that aren't quite so idea-based: less thinky, more worky. I need to do things I like for the process and not for the output. Most of my hobbies are output-based and it's clear to me that it's not done a good job of getting me out of my head. Something like a jigsaw puzzle is good for me, and I shouldn't poison it with the idea that something's only worth doing if I can point to it forever as evidence I'm not wasting my time on god's green earth.

Of course, I should probably take into account my fear of finishing things – I always like having something to do, like knowing that I can go back and change things, like the safety of undone. But this isn't about that, I think... I hope. I'll ponder it a bit more before I buy another puzzle. For now, I'll just consider it a win that I found a new way to get myself unstuck.

#daily #insanities