a collection of iphone note paragraphs
(Thoughts in my iPhone notes that are exactly one paragraph, from the past seven years – not in chronological order. Copied as they are, so they're mostly in lowercase.)
thinking about ambition lately. do the "right things" give me fulfillment? am i playing it too safe because i'm afraid to expect more? should i be asking more of myself (7 feb 2021)
i feel like high school brings out the worst in me. again i romanticize it a lot for being a fun time where i knew who i was and was surrounded by friends but it was also a very juvenile time. granted, i was a teenager. but i feel like whenever i encounter or talk about people from high school who i don't feel like are growing up along with me, i move back into that judgmental teenage girl space. and i feel like it's time to move past that. (22 dec 2017)
sksnsksnsn i almost forgot i had a crush on my kr TA sophomore year. i think i was at ease hanging around him, which is good bc i'm usually so on edge around guys who i think are cute. grace called him 답답해 kssnsk but he was fun. i want more comfortable crushes like that. (18 jan 2019)
what do you do when someone has lost something and you don't know where it's gone? like, literally. i never know what to do. i just perform the same concern and panic as if that will help (2 sep 2023)
my biggest fear remains to be that im too high maintenance as a person to deserve to make new connections. the people who have known me for years already are used to me but i'm so scared of losing them too. i'm selective with the company i keep because i can't think about [note is left unfinished.] (14 sep 2018)
i think i am definitely happier – things hold more meaning to me now and i am way less existential. i think my dissatisfaction just comes from my own and other people's incompetence, but that can be worked on and avoided. life is good. (9 mar 2018)
i'm thinking about dom who lets me yell at her about my boy of the week for 30 minutes, haley who handled my drunk spiral like a champ, sonja who was extremely patient with me having trouble communicating what i wanted sometimes. my instinct in these scenarios is as follows: "oh my god we are talking about this again i can't," "this is SO much in so little time and idek if i want to see u again," and "omfg just spit it out already instead of being passive aggressive." (5 aug 2020, on my friends being better people than me)
i love that build me up buttercup is so popular a karaoke song because it's so babygirl. he's like "pls pls dont string me along i love you pls pls pls crumb of affection" (9 nov 2023)
when i'm afraid for my future or for what the future might bring, i go to my parents and cry about it. i tell them how afraid i am of what i can't control, and they tell me everything is going to be okay. but they can't control their futures either. the promises, though reassuring in the moment, are simply just that – in the moment. without my parents, there are no promises, and i am lost. losing them is my biggest fear. (5 jan 2018)
The young of some species of birds DO regularly return to the nest after fledging. For example, for several weeks after fledging, eagle chicks may return to the nest and continue to be fed by adults. (19 nov 2019 - I think I copied this from somewhere)
i am hesitant to get my hands dirty, to dig my fingers into the soil for what feels like a gamble – planting anything never guarantees a harvest. (17 feb 2020)
i need to have more control over my life and i need more friends who have that kind of control over their lives. i see all my friends from college living independently and think, i am so fucking behind. (25 mar 2024)
what the fuck? how do i really not know myself that well. i've spent 23 years with myself and it took THAT ENTIRE TIME to figure out i was asexual. what else is hiding in this meatbag??? i KNOW there's nothing wrong with taking time to learn about yourself, and it's something that gives you HOPE even, that you have the rest of your life to experience new things etc etc and i love reading all those stories about old people discovering themselves at age X, but i am such a fucking impatient person LMAO. if there's anything else i need to know about myself to live my best life i want to know NOW so i can take the necessary steps NOW. (14 jun 2022)
there is an inclination, a muscle that moves w/o my ___, to dumb down anything i say. it was nice, i didn't like it, "but that's just me" "but what do i know" it is a reflex only the result of extensive practice i wasn't aware i was doing. why did this happen? i used to think i was smart. (24 jul 2021)
i wish i had more records of what it used to be like. personal records. drawings and journal entries. it's hard to remember how i felt and what it was like. but you don't go into excruciating detail when you're happy. you just enjoy it, and documenting falls to the wayside. (29 apr 2022)
i wonder how long i'm going to haunt this house (3 dec 2022)