when you know, you know
I'm struggling to write another post (about a date I went on in Melbourne, about my ongoing wrangling with my sexuality) so I thought I'd write another, shorter, vaguer one in the meantime.
I worry that I'll never find certain types of affection comfortable. I'm hoping that the explanation is that I just don't like it from people I'm not already romantically involved with, and that it just means I wasn't interested in the people that I flinched away from or smiled politely at or needed to get drunk to mess around with.
I worry that I'll meet someone I really like, and still not want them to touch me. I worry what that means about me. I worry what I'll be missing out on if those issues turn out to be permanent parts of my psyche and not things I can fix by Thinking My Way Out Of Them and Exposure Therapying Myself. And I worry that I'll never meet someone I really like at all, which is a whole other can of worms.
I'm all for tackling these problems myself, but I can't help but think it would be grand to meet someone who just naturally puts those worries to rest. It would be so nice to feel so comfortable with them you don't freeze when they caress or compliment you β or, if you get nervous, you can tell it's the good kind of nervous. In my lifetime, I hope I meet someone I feel sure about. Someone who makes me think, "Oh β it was so easy, all this time."