dear future me, again

16 Jul, 2024

Every year, I write a letter to myself to receive on my next birthday (here's last year's). This is the one I got today, with some parts removed or revised for public posting. Commentary added in the footnotes. Happy birthday, me!

The following is a letter from December 31, 2023, delivered from the past by FutureMe.

Dear Mei,

I KNOW. I know. It's December 31. I know you're getting this on your birthday as per uzh, but you're noticing the timestamp and grimacing in amused disbelief or something similar. Why is it that we put off something that isn't meant to be so intimidating until the last second? I kept telling myself over the past few months to write this letter already, but here we are, at the end of the year.

Besides the intimidation, I have to wonder if there were a couple of other factors in me putting off this letter.

For one, I started a blog this year (mei.bearblog.dev¹, for future reference) and have been... not religious about documenting my life – it's impossible to do so properly on such a public medium, especially given my propensity for paranoia re: personal information – but at least more committed to some sort of long-form, reflective writing.

I tried starting a morning pages habit this year too, which saw middling results, as do most of my habit-forming attempts. I don't hate myself for it, these days. I know I'm a person who works in seasons (this was the subject of the first blog post I wrote that got some attention, too).

I know writing to myself should not be so scary, but I always enjoy getting my letters from the past, and so it feels like I have to live up to the expectations of my future self. It's weird to think of me on my next birthday as someone I should try to please and not disappoint, especially when she's the person who should understand most any circumstance or mental breakdown preventing me from writing a good letter. Maybe I'm scared you're going to think I'm a bad writer. Maybe I'm scared I am a bad writer. But of course, I sit down and write anyway, hoping that's not the case.

ALSO. I DON'T WRITE THESE LETTERS TO SHOW THAT I'M A GOOD WRITER. I DON'T WANT TO CARE ABOUT THAT! OR AT LEAST I DON'T WANT TO CARE ABOUT THAT WHEN I'M WRITING TO MYSELF TO MAKE SENSE OF A YEAR GONE BY!

Okay, anyway. What happened in the past year and a half? (July 2022 to December 2023.)

I worked at my office job from September '22 to October '23. It was a good time and gave me three things:

1. Much needed stability;
2. The confidence that I could hold down a job and deliver results; and
3. A wider social circle.

I loved my coworkers. Of course there were Annoying People ([redacted]) but even he was fine in small doses. I was so moved that they made it so that I could still attend the corporate retreat at the end of my contract, and that some friends stayed in touch with me afterwards. They even invited me to the Christmas party, although I didn't go. I genuinely think that job was such a good experience, even if in the throes of it I was sometimes aggravated by the Nothingness of the role. What things don't have their pros and cons?

I probably wouldn't have had that job as my endgame regardless of any different circumstances, but my leave was expedited by HR fumbling my contract and doing lots of little things that turned me off. I'm over it, but I haven't forgotten. Anyway, I'm sort of glad I got out before I could resent the job and start performing poorly – not that that would have happened, but it could have!

I started my teaching program again in October. I'm predictably undisciplined about accomplishing assignments as they come, and finished both Module 3 and 4's assignments two weeks after the modules completed, but that's all allowed so 👍. I'm a little nervous about going back to teaching, but I'm sure it'll be fine. By the time you read this, you'll be done with the program completely², and the idea of you reading this with almost zero school stress is quite comforting.

I was going to go through aspects of this past year.5 by category – and just went through the career part without thinking – but now I don't know if doing so is the best way to present how I felt about this past year which is... good.

There's so much to be grateful for, so I'll just throw 'em all together.

• I got to travel three times with family. All trips were fun, and I got to see friends in each country I visited. I'm at the age where I can do that with some confidence, and despite any trepidation about meeting said friends, I had a good time with each of them. (E in Tokyo, E in Singapore, D/B/R/Y in NYC.)
• I also got to go to my first con and had such a fun time!
• I had a better time, friend-wise.
  • I started the year hanging out with B³ in real life after almost five years!
  • I took a step back from planning stuff for the friend group and tried to go with the flow, and it worked. Our Letterloop seems well-enjoyed, and six of us are doing Oops, All Draculas and so excited about our first ever TTRPG together.
  • E came to visit in May and also just recently.
  • I had hangouts with IR and S and IC and A and M+B, etc.
  • My siblings and I met [redacted] and had a good time playing games with them. I think talking to such positive people made me want to hold myself in better regard, or at least stop making disclaimers/denigrating myself even before I speak.
• I discovered places on the web that I felt better in, and evaded places I didn't. My Twitters (sans the diary) are mostly inactive at this point, and so are all my Instagrams. Instead I spent more time on the personal web and found myself growing rather than shrinking to fit: Mastodon helped me become more self-indulgent, Bear helped me dive back into writing, Neocities was a whole new world opened up. I found community in each space, and it was just so so healing for me to get into hobbies that weren't just drawing and being insane.
• I got more into my OC projects and started really loving my little guys. Cupid and Kiera! Honeydew and the gang! This was the year of the OC. I think having less of a social media presence was immensely helpful in making my creative pursuits so much more fulfilling and fun.
• We were a better, more harmonious family this year. There were some issues, but overall much better than last year. I think after Christmas 2022 (yikes), I can't pinpoint a particularly bad moment. We lost some people (AM moved, AG passed away), but we stayed together.
• I read a lot! I read 30+ books this year and loved many of them. I also watched some new movies and shows that have become favorites (Phantom Thread) or new brainrots (Rise and Mume).
• I think I'm more calm a person this year—WHICH IS REALLY NOT SAYING A LOT, because I'm still insane, but I at least am a bit more aware of what triggers me, what I can do to manage my emotions, etc. I'm a bit firmer about what I like and a bit better at communicating.

Although I don't feel like I've made HUGE progress on personal goals (fitness, career, creative, the like), I really enjoyed the stability and quiet enjoyment of this past year. I'm starting to accept what an interim period your twenties are. It's not like I HAVE to be hitting the mark or accomplishing goal after goal. Sometimes – and especially after a year as difficult as 2022 – you just need a year to get yourself back on your feet and remind yourself of how enjoyable life is. And in the process, I think I've become one step closer to the person I want to become: a little more confident, a little happier, a little bit better versed in loving the people I love.

As I was writing this, I paused and thought about how I was portraying this past year as having been So Grand, and I told [my sister] that I was worried this would come off as very romanticized – that if, by the time you read this next year, it catches you at a point in your life where you're insane again, you'll feel even worse about being insane. But I also don't want to DOWNPLAY my enjoyment of this year, because it really was good (or I'm at least looking back on it with gratitude, and looking forward with hope as a result of it).

If you are doing poorly, I hope this letter doesn't make you feel like you regressed in some way or all that progress was for naught. I hope this letter makes you feel like you can claw your way back to satisfaction, then to enjoyment. I know you well enough to know any dissatisfaction you have with your life is something you feel responsible for, and not something you try to hoist on anyone else. Any bad situation you're in feels like the result of your own decisions, and your being there instead of somewhere better feels like your fault. But sometimes you need a bit of time to figure out how to do that, and beating yourself up over taking that time just makes you feel worse. You're a gal who thrives on momentum – finding some random nugget of Good, taking that, and keeping it going! You just need to find your Good.

If you are NOT doing poorly: well, good! You could stand to read the above anyway, because I wrote it with every me in mind.

I don't want this to just be a catch-up letter or a reflective one that benefits Only Me and Not You. I learned this year that the best way to maintain friendships is to keep them looped into your life as it happens (which seems commonsensical but is weirdly not), so I think it will be more fulfilling a letter to bring up current concerns, excitements for the future, etc.

So here we go:

• Is my self-indulgent fiction enjoyment... maladaptive daydreaming? (Okay, I just Googled it. It's not.) Even if it's not, is it something that's hindering me from interest in people? I worry that it's the reason I haven't been interested in anyone lately. I want to have a crush, at least!!! Just for fun!!!
  • Reason #34523 I should move.
• I'm very excited for the Eras Tour and am a little worried about getting everything ready in time. I know it will work out though.
• I also want to take our trip to Melbourne as an opportunity to see if living there is something I can see myself doing.
• Ack, but I hope the trip doesn't interfere too much with my teaching program⁴, or isn't too dampened by it.
• I am still always, always looking to find a way to exercise that I don't hate. I really want to live somewhere walkable. I also should probably not drink so much milk tea.
• My hip has been aching lately, and I DO NOT want this to be a permanent fixture of my adult body, especially not at the tender young age of 25.
• I have to work on my comic. I promised [organizer] stuff by the end of the year and IT'S THE END OF THE YEAR. I should get back to them by 2nd week of January – no later.
• I'm excited to be done with my program. It's going to open up so many opportunities – we'll be able to apply for teaching jobs here and abroad, knowing we finally meet those damn qualifications.⁵
• I think I've lost interest in my site because I didn't like the networky way I was behaving on Neocities, but I think it'll be grand to finally get my own site and domain name. I'd still like to work on [my old site] and "finish" it in some way, or at least complete all the parts that are special to me.⁶
• I'm super excited about Oops, All Draculas and hope it's a lot of fun for us. It's already been fun to develop our characters, and I hope that fun extends to the game proper.
• Right now I'm still deep in TMNT hell and making OCs for Rise. But I think I've been taking it a bit too seriously, so I'm making more of an effort to relax. These turtles are so hot though.

I feel like talking about sexy turtles is the best possible way to end this letter. I also don't want to make a habit of writing screencappable, encouraging, trite words of motivation for you, even though I mean them every time, just because I think that adds to the intimidation these letters give us. I also want to write shit that only you and I will understand (being the same person...) but it's kind of hard to shake the habit of writing for an audience.⁷ Our Twitter is our diary after all.

Also, what if Extremely Future!us doesn't get my references, even if you (26!me) do? Perish the thought. I want her to enjoy this shit too!

Okay, getting insane. Also my laptop is about to die, so I have to go swap it out for my iPad at the charging station.

Happy birthday, Mei! I'm so happy you're you.

Love, 25!Mei