please, can i try to take care of my body in peace

11 Jun, 2024

I've wanted to try weightlifting for a while, so I signed up for ten sessions with a coach who has his own private gym. I visited the gym twice last week, first to just see the place and talk and then for an assessment, and had my first session yesterday.

It was really fun – unexpectedly so, especially for something I've never really tried before! We did a lot of squat exercises. My form still needs some improvement (I lean forward/back if I'm not thinking hard enough), but we're going to work on that. I squatted more weight than I thought I was capable of, which made me happy, given that it was only the first day!

I'm trying to analyze why I like it so much, and I can't pinpoint a specific reason. It's a combination of things: I like the coach's style, the privacy of the gym, its proximity to my place (!), the workout itself. I like how much thinking I have to do during the activity. Given that I am a chronic overthinker, I always thought I'd need to find an activity that allowed me think about all the things I do like to think about instead of the boring, difficult thing I was doing. But in retrospect, the workouts I have enjoyed in the past were the ones that forced me to drop the rest of my life and focus on getting them right.

The downside is that it's more expensive than I can afford to pay for how often I want to go. I brought this up with my family and they gave me suggestions on how to adjust – stagger the sessions, or take note of the exercises he makes me do and just do them on my own full time at the gym at my brother's apartment building – but for some reason, I felt myself getting cagey about it, despite the fact that I'd volunteered the information.

I'm realizing that a lot of my issues with pursuing fitness and health might have to do with my family, however unintentionally that association has developed. My parents are remarkably active, which is great as I'd like for them to live long healthy lives, but the unfortunate side effect is that I hear more often than I'd like about health and nutrition and fitness.

They don't mean to be preachy about it – in fact, I don't even know if they realize how much they talk about wellness – but it bothers me anyway. The podcasts/TED Talks they send, the way they talk about their meal portions, the discussions on friends and family who've lost a ton of weight¹... It feels like subtle pressure to live my life as health-consciously as they do, and I feel even crazier that I can't express annoyance because they have only good intentions (and would take offense, or think I was making something out of nothing, which – well, that's subjective, so not like I can say anything).

So even though I'd brought it up, I didn't anticipate how much it would freak me out to have them join in my brainstorming how to maintain this habit. Suddenly it wasn't my thing that I was doing for me, but something that I'd start to associate with their expectations. Something that would disappoint them if I failed to keep up.

Having to bother my brother/SIL every time I wanted to go to the gym did not sound ideal either. I think one other thing I like about this new program is that it's something that's just... mine. I try not to think about it often or I'll go mad, but I miss a lot of the independence I had living abroad, and all the small things I need to depend on my family to do here are starting to pile up. I'm grateful, I'm so grateful, and I don't know that I'd choose the alternative to the conveniences they grant me – but I'd rather not add to that pile if I can help it.

I know I'm probably making up problems, and that it's great I have people around me who are so encouraging and supportive, and that these things don't have to bother me if I don't let them, but I'm a long way from being that enlightened. I think this runs way deeper than I'd usually like to examine, and typing out this rant was only the first step. So while I'm insane, I hope it's fine to say that I really, really would just like to learn how to take care of my body, my way.

#rant