a very disjointed and emotional post?
That's what this blog is for, I guess.
My friend finally got the tattoos he's been telling us about for some weeks and I just saw the pictures and one of them is two "I love you"s in his parents' handwriting and oh wow it made me cry on the spot. I haven't cried that spontaneously in a while. When I see him again I'll probably cry too.
We just got back from Japan some hours ago. This was our first real family trip where my brother didn't go with us and come back with us, as a Married Manâ„¢, and my sister and I were people-watching and making comments on the surrounding families the whole trip back from airport to airport, observing family makeups and the like, and I realized a bit belatedly that people would look at our family at the airport and assume we were just a mom and a dad and two daughters, and no son.
While in Tokyo, I had a lot of time on my own and went out with my friend El and biked by myself and was out late at night and generally was free to roam unsupervised, which is honestly totally normal for someone at the age of 24, but is not my norm at home as someone who can't drive or take public transport and who hates to be outside due to the heat. It was refreshing to be an independent adult again - the way I was, or was gearing up to be before the pandemic - and I was confident in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. It was a little sobering to come home and have to forget that version of me.
Prior to the vacation, I was neck-deep in many things: my new coding hobby, some boot camp my job is making us do (made less painful by the fact that I have amazing team members), some drawing ideas, and more. Ignored all that and my Notion for the past ten days. Now I feel a little bit of dread thinking about returning to all of these things, even though I was so enthralled by (most of) them prior to the vacation. What does that say about me? About my attention span?
I feel like it's always hard for me to get back into real life mode after a period of fun and relaxation - is it a sign that my regular life is so intense I actively avoid returning to it? Is it a sign my ambition or discipline is poor? Can't really tell. I'll work up to returning to some of these things in the next few days and see how I feel... I don't promote workaholism, but it scares me to think about a version of me that is on permanent vacation mode, even though I'm my least stressed self then. I know that me not being stressed means I've put the burden of being stressed on someone else. Food for thought.
Before the trip, my dog was acting up at night and generally being restless and teenagerish and not wanting to sleep in my room. That went on for about three nights? I'm not a natural dog mom so I took it as a failure on my part, but tonight when I brought her upstairs she settled down pretty quickly and seemed as keen on the hugs and kisses as she used to be. I read somewhere that pets kind of adapt the state of mind of their owners, so I should be a little more chill for her sake.
I realize many of my posts are me FREAKING OUT or BEING PRETTY NEGATIVE so I want to write a positive! or at least neutral! or fun! post next. Not for anyone else's sake - more for mine. I feel I keep most of my positive memories in my brain or in photos (WHICH I HARDLY TAKE), but writing I feel captures the most detail, so it will be good practice to start writing them down. Until next time!